her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
