he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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