I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
