Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm always down for nudity.
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