$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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