Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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