we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
