Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
