Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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