plz talk dirty to me
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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