quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize