You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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