I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
