we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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