Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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