Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize