I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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