Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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