so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
