Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
