update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
