I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
