He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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