Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
