I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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