god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize