My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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