I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
All I want is dick and wine.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
