I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
