I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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