I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My vagina is officially offended.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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