i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
