you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
