toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
