i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
