pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
