If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
