i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
