Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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