My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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