did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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