I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
