The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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