Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
