My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
