hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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