Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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