I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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