you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
