There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
