Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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