Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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