oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
