she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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