worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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