I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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